Dear Baby,
Your dad nicknamed you Spark. Months ago, before our scary ultrasound, he decided it was a fitting name. I never figured out how he came up with it, but it didn’t matter. It just seemed right.
And now more ever, the name suits you perfectly.
The doctor said some scary words in that office after your ultrasound . . . words like genetic abnormality and restricted fetal growth and stillbirth and preterm. Baby Spark, we don’t know exactly what’s happening, and as much as the doctors try to pin it all down, they really don’t know the whole story either.
Your dad and I have so many dreams and hopes for you. We wonder what your personality will be like, what you’ll be passionate about, what you’ll like and dislike, what you’ll be gifted at, if you’ll have your dad’s blue eyes or your mom’s single dimple. We’ve imagined so many possibilities for your future.
Spark, we wouldn’t have chosen any of those scary doctor-words for you. We would choose words like healthy and whole and perfect for you if we could. But don’t forget this for a moment: Although we wouldn’t choose this road for you, we choose YOU. No matter what.
And this is likely the first lesson of many to come for us: that as much as we love you, as much as we’re honored that you’ve been temporarily entrusted to us, you are not ultimately ours. You are God’s child, on loan to us. And so we don’t get to map out your life or control what happens to you—we just get to love you and raise you with the wisdom God grants us.
***
That day of the ultrasound, right after we got this news we weren’t expecting, your dad and I were sitting in the lobby of the hospital. Instead of going to a celebratory lunch before we headed back to work, we found ourselves perched on blue plastic chairs, trying to process what we’d heard. I was ugly-crying, not even caring about the stream of people staring at us as they made their way through the lobby.
Your dad was holding my hand, plying me with tissues. After a while he said something I’ll never forget: “I feel like our baby is saying to us, ‘I am a child of God.’”
That moment marked a pivot for me. It was at once obvious and revolutionary. If we truly believe you are a child of God—and we do—then our dreams and hopes and plans for you come second. We choose to surrender all our ideas in favor of what God has in mind for you.
That Sunday, just two days later, your dad played this song with the worship band in church:
From my mother’s womb
You have chosen me
Love has called my name
Spark, we believe that no matter what happens, God is going to use you to shine for him. Maybe that will be because he surprises everyone and you enter this world miraculously healthy. Or maybe you will shine for him precisely because there’s something unique about you that this world would deem less than perfect.
I’m no longer a slave to fear
I am a child of God
And so, Spark, we are trying to choose love instead of fear. We believe you are God’s beloved child. And we believe he is going to use you to ignite hearts for him. You are only the size of a cantaloupe, but already you are shining. Already we love you like crazy.
Love,
Mom and Dad
If there is anywhere on earth a lover of God who is always kept safe, I know nothing of it, for it was not shown to me. But this was shown: that in falling and rising again we are always kept in that same precious love.
Julian of Norwich
“You are a child of God.” I love Dan’s words to you and their truth. Thinking of you and praying for you often, my friend.
Thanks for the prayers, Linda!
Beautiful, Stephanie. Believe…trust…choose — every day. Thank you for sharing your heart. That Spark is shining already!
You are so right…it’s a daily choice! Thanks, Maria!
Keep the faith Dear. Hold on to Christs unchanging grace. Grace for this season.
Yes, His grace is enough! Thanks, Maggie.
Stephanie, thank you for allowing us to read Spark’s letter. Someday I believe he or she will read it personally and marvel at how blessed one can be to have been born into a home and family such as yours. God has already shown favor to this little one by providing you and Daniel as parents. We are waiting, watching and praying with you.!
Thanks for standing at the watchtower with us, Maggie!
Stephanie, I am so excited for you and Daniel, as you begin your journey into parenthood! God has chosen you both to parent this little ‘spark’! He knows what he is doing!!
You are so far ahead of me in recognizing that your child is God’s first and yours second!
Our oldest went to West Point and it was when they announced that we had 15 SECONDS to say good bye and he flung his sack of ‘ all of his army gear’ over his shoulder and walked away with the other young women and men that I recognized and ‘gave’ him over to the Lord. I had no control. So I applaud you both as you know who this child belongs to, in utero!!!
My prayers and love go with you!
Oh my heart, 15 seconds! Thanks for the prayers and the example, Sue.
Spark is already giving us some great reminders and revelations! Thank you for sharing….so love daddy Daniel’s words too…he’s a perfect reminder that he is perfect for you.
Yes, God is so good, isn’t he? Thanks, Katara!
I love your letter to Spark. And I already love Spark, too.
Aww, Spark says thank you!
He only gives His best to His children. You are carrying His great gift of life. Prayers for all of you in this journey. Christ is victor, and so are you!
So true…all his gifts are good! Thanks for your faithful support, Pat.
What a beautiful and insightful letter to your sweet Spark. I am praying that God’s good and pleasing and perfect will be done in all your lives.
Amen! Let it be so. Thanks, Wendy.
You speak so much truth to us, Stephanie. Thank you.
Thanks for your faithful encouragement, Kristen!
I’m wiping tears from my cheeks, Stephanie — thank you for sharing this letter with us. Baby Spark is so loved already! I appreciate your affirmation that you chose and keeping choosing this baby, and you and Daniel are chosen as well.
Thank you, Brittany! You have inspired me with your letters to your loved ones.
Stephanie ,
My name is Amanda and I am from Deer park , Tx.
I am currently 31 weeks pregnant with our son Oliver ( Olly).
Our family is going through a very similar situation . At 22 weeks we were told there is a chance that our son could have Thanatophoric Dysplasia and that there is a chance he won’t survive after birth . We were given the option to have an abortion . We have decided to carry Olly full term and give it to the Lord . We have been praying so hard for our little Olly . He is truly loved !!! You all are in our prayers .. Don’t give up hope xoxoxox
fb @ PrayforOlly
Thank you so much for sharing your story (and Olly’s too). Praise God that he has parents who are already showing him God’s unconditional love. I’d be honored to join you in praying for precious Olly.
I pray that Spark will have Daddy’s blue eyes and Mama’s dimple and that God will fulfill His purposes in his or her life while blessing all of you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Oh, thank you, Dorothy! What a lovely blessing.
You and Dan have it right. Your child is for God’s glory. Thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully.
Thanks to you and Burt for inspiring us and for your example.
I’m praying, praying, and praying some more. He is a good, good Father.
Amen! Thank you, Jennifer!
Dearest Stephanie,
Your beautiful soul resounds in this piece. I am honored that you entrusted your baby’s–and family’s–journey with us. I will be praying for you. And, as a fellow mama, I mean that. “If we truly believe you are a child of God—and we do—then our dreams and hopes and plans for you come second.” A timely reminder for our family. Thank you.
I’m so grateful our paths have crossed, Jolina! Blessings on your family and your almost-here little one too!
We are praying for you and this dear baby, who is loved 1st best by the Lord and 2nd best by many, many others.
Yes, what a wonderful reminder, Rosie! Thank you.
So incredibly beautiful. I’m so sorry you have to learn this lesson of surrender. It’s truly the hardest! Love to you guys …
Thanks for the kind words and love, Jen!
God bless your precious family. God already knows little Spark and He loves her/him.
Yes, so true! Thank you, Connie!
God IS – already – using spark to shine for him! Trusting with you the One who reminds each one of that we are His child! ❤️
I am so grateful God is already answering that prayer for Spark to shine! Thanks, Tracy.
Stephanie,
Spark is already lighting up my life in so many ways.
I smile when I think of that sweet little one telling you and Daniel that he or she is a “child of God.” And I love how you are trusting him or her right back into God’s hands. Thank you for sharing the emotions–the fear and the love–that your little family is experiencing so intensely right now. It is a privilege to know you and to be falling in love with baby Spark.
We are so thankful for you love and support, Susie!
We too are waiting for a little child of God who had a scary ultrasound (or more than one scary ultrasound). So glad to know He knows our child better than we do, and that He has every day of his life already planned out. May you get to know your gracious Father better through this time! <3
Nahum’s mom, thank you so much for stopping by and sharing part of your story. I am honored to lift up your little one before our good Father too.
Thank you for these beautiful, true words! We too had a scary ultrasound, and while it was hard, these thoughts sustained us through it. I’ll be praying for your family. No matter what happens, baby Spark is still a little miracle.
Yes, you are so right, Emily–still a miracle! Thanks for sharing your story too.
Stephanie, bless you for being authentic and vulnerable in sharing your journey with Spark. God sees your beautiful hearts and chose you to be Spark’s parents and to allow this little one to light a spark of hope in this world.
I will continue to pray for you. Bless you as you remember Spark is fearfully and wonderfully made. ❤️ Gigi
Thank you for these words of truth and encouragement, Gigi!
Such a very hard road. Praying for your heart as you walk this road. And praying for Spark.
Thank you for the kind words and the prayers, Cara!
This gave me chills. My daughter has been trying for two years to have a baby, and she finally told me about her 3 miscarriages.
I told her that she was a mom, and her babies were racing around God’s throne and being rocked by my mom and dad, all just waiting for our big family reunion.
Thank you and please thank your husband for affirming my faith in what I told her.
Oh, my heart aches for your daughter. Praying that God will be close to her and give her the desires of her heart. Thanks for sharing, Deena.
Dear Stephanie, I just heard you on Chris Fabry Live and wanted to share my story with you also. Two years ago my husband and I heard similar word of “chromosomal anomaly” ” microcephaly” “premature” “stillbirth” but our ultrasounds showed little hope. I know the ups and downs, from grief to hope to anger (questioning God) to full reliance and peace from Him, some times back and forth and back again within the same hour. My prayer for my son turned from miraculous healing to time with him. I was blessed to be able to carry him to 37 weeks and he was with us for just under an hour. Psalm 139 resonated with us too. While verse 13 gave us peace that our son’s condition was purposefully God’s will, verse 16 was comfort that his time with us, was His will as well. For me, it was comforting knowing others who have been through this and knew how I was feeling, so I wanted to pas that on to you also. My prayers are with you, your husband and your little one. God bless.
Oh Suzanne, thank you for stopping by and sharing your story. I grieve with you as you miss your precious son. Thank you for taking on that heartbreaking privilege of bringing him into the world and being his mom. May the Lord give you and your husband comfort.
What a beautiful letter to your little Spark, and what an amazing testimony to the world of hearts yielded to God’s will for this precious life within you! Your post was shared with me by a mutual friend who followed our story when we walked a similar journey with our sixth baby, Joel, who had Trisomy 13 and was born still at 35 weeks. I blogged throughout my pregnancy at by-faith-not-by-sight.com. I’ll be praying for you as your own story unfolds. God is faithful! May He do immeasurably more than you could ever ask or imagine through your baby’s life!
Oh Gwenyth, I just read some of your blog posts about your precious Joel. Thank you for sharing your story (and his story) and for allowing God to bring something redemptive out of great heartbreak. I so admire your perspective about letting God choose, not us. Thank you so much for stopping by!
Stephanie and Daniel,
When I was pregnant with our second son, I was bleeding profusely and the doctors said that the child would not survive.
I refused the suggested abortion and was hospitalized for 20 days. In the sixth month of my pregnancy I was electrocuted and the baby stopped moving for awhile.
Andy was born absolutely healthy. God gave me a wonderful son.
Oh, what a miracle baby! Thank you for sharing this, Nadia! You have had so many direct answers to prayer in your life.
Stephanie, I happened on your blog yesterday and was so moved by your beautiful and wise words in these latest entries. Congratulations on your pregnancy–what a gift from God. I will be praying for you in these hard months of waiting and hoping and trusting God’s goodness even in the uncertainty.
Karin, I’m so glad you found me here! Thank you for rejoicing with us and praying for us. I was remembering the other day that when I started this job, you were just about the same number of months along. So grateful for you!
Dear Stephanie,
I just came across your FB post and this post. I know this must be so difficult, but I know that God is keeping you and Dan and Spark in the palm of His hands, right where He wants you to be. <3
And that is one of my favorite songs of all time. I listened to it countless times last year. (Bethel Music is coming to Chicago on June 20) 🙂
Big Hugs and Prayers are with you…miss praying with you!
Annie
Thanks for the sweet words, Annie! Miss you!
Beautiful thoughts, beautiful writing. I will be praying for all 3 of you.
Thank you so much, Lori! It was wonderful to meet you on Friday!